can you read it!!??
maan!
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this FaceApp is creepy af
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
time machine? you mean a clock?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*