If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
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4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.