[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Velcrow