700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker