On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?