[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My plans: 2020: