[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You Might Also Like
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My love language is hissing.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house