please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.