commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed