It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
You Might Also Like
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool