It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.