Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Warm pools make me nervous.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
an airline just for babies.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!