It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
me when i see my girls butt
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.