Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
How all things should be taught/explained.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early