Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
philosophical skeletons be like