“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
so weird how every mom was born today
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..