I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.