For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You Might Also Like
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me too, bag. Me too….
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it