Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
thanks auntie mary
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
what’s more important?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people