Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Hmm, not sure about this change
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.