This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
This raises questions
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.