5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor