Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is