Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
lol
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.