Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
he’s doing your taxes
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Optional boss fight.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?