My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.