Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂