There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[montage of me giving-up]
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.