Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
You Might Also Like
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
when someone compliments me
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude