How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
constantly working on myself.