I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Nothing.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*