My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends