When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species