Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me