I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”