The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs