*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
This is the one
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real