Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.