Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You Might Also Like
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When I said I liked it rough.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.