like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The pasta is now
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…