Happy Friday
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
How is it still this week?
Good dog. ❤️
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.