*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?