M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
A woman drives into a bar.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves