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JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
🙂🐾
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.