Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.