My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Sign of the day..
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Siri, fight Alexa.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.