Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Noah was an idiot.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I drew y’all a little something.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis