Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
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Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
men are simple creatures
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.