Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
don’t we all
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.