Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.